Want to Believe in Yourself? ‘Mattering’ Is Key.
This overlooked concept has been linked to better relationships — with oneself and others.
By Gail Cornwall for the NY Times
Gordon Flett came across the term “mattering” as a psychology graduate student. Sitting at his desk in 1987, poring over a textbook, “I immediately knew what mattering was,” he said.
He remembered visiting his grandmother during the summer as a child and taking trips to the insulation plant where she managed the cafeteria. She hung on his every word, and her co-workers treated him like royalty. Recalling the experience, he could almost taste the Jell-O and chocolate milk.
A few years later, the concept landed even closer to home. He was struggling to find research subjects for his master’s thesis and panic was rising. His mother, who lived nearby, was also facing a difficult moment; her marriage was falling apart.
Mary Flett decided to help her son. She became known in her community as “the lady on the bike,” pedaling to baseball and soccer fields to recruit young participants for his study.
“She got the boost she needed in terms of mattering by carving out a new meaningful role,” said Dr. Flett, who published the resulting paper in a prestigious journal. “I also got a reminder of my value at a time when I needed it.”
Dr. Flett, now a professor at York University and the author of “The Psychology of Mattering,” is one of the world’s foremost authorities on the subject. He and other experts agree that a sense of mattering is necessary for human flourishing, and while some factors are out of our control, there are steps, both big and small, that everyone can take to enhance it.
What mattering means
Mattering is “a core, universal human need,” a necessary component for well-being, Dr. Flett said. But it’s tricky to define, he added, because people sometimes confuse it with belonging, self-esteem and social connection.
Mattering involves “more than feeling like you belong in a group,” he explained; it’s also being “missed by people in that group if you weren’t there.” When it comes to self-esteem, you can like yourself and feel capable, Dr. Flett said, but “you still won’t be a happy person if no one notices you when you enter a room.”
To matter, people must feel valued — heard, appreciated and cared for — and they must feel like they add value in ways that make them feel capable, important and trusted, said Isaac Prilleltensky, a professor at the University of Miami and a co-author of “How People Matter.” It’s a two-part definition: feeling valued and adding value.
Research suggests that people who feel like they matter experience more self-compassion, relationship satisfaction, and greater belief in their capacity to achieve their goals, while lack of mattering is associated with burnout, self-criticism, anxiety, depression, aggression and increased risk of suicide.
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